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February 23, 2010
 After an argument, do you continue to ruminate about your partner’s frosty body language, hurtful comment or mad exist out of the room? Do you want to make a repair attempt but unsure how to go about doing so? Do you let an entire evening pass with a gloomy cloud above and unable to do anything because you feel stuck? Hmmm…
Do you kiss and make up before bed or do you go to bed facing opposite walls in silence until the new day?
It is a traditional belief that couples should never go to bed angry or part ways in conflict. I think my grandparents practiced this canon. My grandma and grandpa modeled consistent and loving routines in their relationship. For example, my grandma always greeted my grandpa at the door with a kiss and to take time to share news of the day. Additionally, I remember many mornings our grandpa told us the story of how they met and how beautiful grandma was as he proceeded to do a little walk with his fingers to show us how she walked up and down the street. He also bragged about how she never needed makeup but she would chime in that she liked a little lipstick. They spoke of happy moments in their relationship history and mentioned very little of the significant challenges they faced from day one. Today, our 91 year old grandma talks about ways she believes couples stay happy together including focusing on the big picture not an isolated situation. So, in a situation like above, I think grandma would say not to let a disappointing behavior or something that won’t matter in five years intrude on one more moment together. She would say to focus on the positive, kiss and make up before bed, because you have what really matters right next to you.
On the other hand, recent brain research supports the idea of “Letting the sun go down on your fury.” According to studies, your brain changes when you feel yourself getting disturbed or angry with your partner. Furthermore, your body may go into a state of diffuse physiological arousal or DPA. During DPA, every part of your body gets prepared to fight, run, or freeze in place. As social creatures we are genetically wired to mirror the emotions of those around us, so DPA in one partner naturally triggers DPA in the other. Therefore, you won’t solve your relationship problems or improve communication while in DPA mode. Therefore, the best thing you can do is take a break and agree when to come back as a couple. Taking a break to let emotions settle and time to pass appears to be an ideal solution for couples who experience high emotion or impulsive acts/ language when conflicted. I like this idea if the couple agrees that this will be the strategy they will use to deescalate situations rather than one partner simply walking out or ignoring a partner. Be on same page when you go to shut off the lights.
In general, couples may find kissing and making up, or a taking a break until morning helpful. Having an agreed upon plan for conflict resolution will help diminish tense moments and get you back on desired path. The key is to be on the same page. So, whether you follow the intuitive grandmother‘s way or the empirical researcher’s suggestion, you will be working on a common goal and that is always a good thing for a couple.
Best,
Brigitte Wangberg
January 30, 2010
“This is the very worst wickedness that we refuse to acknowledge the passionate evil that is in us. That makes us secret and rotten.” D. H. Lawrence
Perhaps the question for today is not whether sexual addiction is a valid diagnosis but “why is the term used so nonchalantly to label self and others?” Is claiming to be a sex addict a reasonable justification for poor choices or promiscuity? Is it more acceptable to declare being a sex addict than to confess an affair due to lack of fulfillment in a marriage?
According to Patrick Carnes, sexual addiction is defined as ”any sexually-related, compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, and loved one’s and work environment.”Carnes further explains, that the sexual addict puts sex above all else, “they are willing to sacrifice what they cherish most to continue the unhealthy behavior.”
I support Carne’s work, and believe that any behavior that negatively impacts one’s daily life, family and so forth is best changed or eliminated. Additionally, treatment is appropriate in specific circumstances. However, most sexual behavior does not fall under this category.
When does good sex become bad? Sharing naughty fantasies, adding toys and discovering new positions are favorable to most couples. What about adding another person, voyeurism or pornography? Who is to say what is “out of control” or too much? When both partners are informed and consenting, can a sexual act be wrong?
There is a vast gamut of desires and needs between individuals. This incongruity is cause for gridlock in many marriages today. The overuse of the term “sexual addiction” dilutes the meaning and provides ammunition to those who don’t like sex. Sex and intimacy are imperative for a marriage/relationship and this can’t be denied. When sexual disconnect is not addressed head on, the marriage will have struggles that arise in and out of the bedroom. Furthermore, it is difficult to develop true emotional intimacy without the physical. There are too many partners simply having “duty” sex. This is a problem. Individuals who deny their sexuality are missing moments of closeness, playfulness and passion while blaming others who understand how very good sex is and not bad at all.
Best,
Brigitte Wangberg
January 13, 2010
The structure of family systems has changed. Today, the intact nuclear family is hardly “typical.” In 2010, the blended family will be the predominant form of family in the United States. According to the ABFA , there are currently 23+ million blended families in the United States. Clearly, it is time to redefine our families and our attitudes.
How do you define a blended family?
The Merriam Webster dictionary defines a blended family as, “a family that includes children of a previous marriage of one spouse or both.“
Regardless, of the obvious imprudence of this definition, I am uncomfortable with attaching a definition to any family. A blended family appears impracticable to define. To begin to understand the challenge of defining a blended family, we must take into account all of the possible variables.
Think of the “couple” possibilities:
- Two divorced parents
- A single partner and a divorced parent
- Widow /widower and a divorced parent
- A widow and a widower
- Widow /widower and a single partner
- One adoptive parent and one biological parent
- Two adoptive parents
- Two grandparents
Other factors must be considered when describing the parental unit, including different cultures, religions, and ages. Furthermore, families are shaped by GLBT issues (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual), mental illness, physical disability, or life changing medical conditions.
Add children to the above variances:
- One partner has children
- Both partners have children
Add children together:
- Partners have biological children together to add to above children
- Partners adopt one or more children together
The above parent/children combinations are by no means complete. The possibilities are boundless when describing family members of a blended family. Ahrons and Rodgers explain, “A major task for divorced and remarried families is the construction of new models of “family” in a society that continues to define the intact nuclear family as the norm.” A blended family has obvious challenges to face within the home and society. However, each distinctive family has copious stories, experiences and flavor. This richness is the gift of a blended family.
Best in the New Year,
Brigitte Wangberg, M.S., MFT
January 4, 2010
 Desire
“Become such an intense desire that the very fire of the desire burns you completely and nothing is left.”
Desire has two forms:
You can desire something but you remain away from the desire. You can ignore the desire OR you can fulfill it, but you are separate. If it is not fulfilled you will feel frustrated, but when you are separate the desire is just chance to you.
Abheepsa means your desire becomes your very soul. You can’t drop it, because if you do, you are dropped in it. When it becomes so existential that there is no separation between you and the desire, the desire has tremendous beauty. Then it takes a new dimension, it moves into the timeless.
(Meditation from Everyday OSHO, 2002).
January 3, 2010
What do you do when you don’t want to be around a toxic parent?
· What do adults do when a parent or parents are our greatest source of pain?
· What if our self-worth continues to be contingent on our parent’s approval, one which we will never receive?
· Is it our responsibility to include our parents in our life celebrations, rituals and traditions?
· Do we have a duty to permit our toxic parents to be or “pretend to be grandparents” to our fabulous children that we mindfully parent so they do not experience our childhood pain?
· If we didn’t matter as children, are we now supposed to celebrate the fact that our parent wants to be a part of our beautiful life today?
· What about our children? Do they profit from interaction with these grandparents despite our relationships? As parents, do we promote the grandparent/grandchild relationship with great hope that our children will benefit and our parents will have gained empathy, wisdom and new behaviors?
I don’t have the answers to these questions; however, I know I have struggled with similar issues. This year, I modified my thinking and actions. I consciously made a choice to break a family cycle, not only for myself, but for my children and generations to come. I will be a different kind of mother and grandmother.
· I will not put my children in emotionally unhealthy situations.
· I will model a better way of parenting, not always perfect but with awareness, love and mindfulness.
· I will be present in their lives. I will listen to my children and encourage them to pursue their dreams even if not congruent with my own ideas.
· My children will know, without a doubt, they are loved, respected and safe. My children will know I am proud of them and believe in them. In essence, they will know that they matter.
Breaking toxic family cycle
I have forgiven my mother but have not forgotten the tremendous pain she has inflicted on me my entire life. Furthermore, I am aware that my children feel my negative energy when in my mother’s presence.
My children are a major source of my daily motivation. I want them to have a different kind of childhood, with joyous holidays, unconditional acceptance, authentic love, mutual respect and inner peace. For many years, I felt the need to include my mother in events and holiday celebrations despite the familiarity with my own uncomfortable feelings. Did I think things would be different each time? Did I put her desires above my own needs? At times, I was optimistic that there could be potential for a miraculous “shift” in our relationship, as well as my mother as a person. From experience and by profession, I believe people can change. I continued to wish for a healthy mother/daughter relationship and often searched for the beauty inside this woman. I desired a “mother” my entire life, especially when my children were born. I continued to strive for an unrealistic and idealistic relationship despite continuous agitation and disappointment.
Why do we feel guilt if we decide to sever a relationship with a toxic parent, who abandoned, abused or neglected us?
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I do not believe individuals need to fix every relationship or that every relationship can be repaired.
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Furthermore, I do not think it is an adult child’s duty to create a relationship with a parent that never existed for the sake of the parent.
Creating new patterns
This month, at the end of my 42nd year on the planet, I made a mental shift, “What I am doing? “What would I tell a client or a friend in a similar situation?” After a series of events and much reflection, I decided to have holidays on our own, myself and two beautiful children. Was this a self-centered choice? Was this a punishment to my mother? Or was this the best decision for us as a family? I believe the latter. What do I share with my children? I discussed the situation with my children and told them that they are always welcome to spend time with their grandmother or call her on the phone. However, for me, in this moment, it is not healthy for me to be around her. I sensed my children needed few words to understand.
The three of us had a meaningful holiday experience with new activities and time together. We celebrated in a novel venue, sipped hot cocoa by the fire, danced in the rain, played Apples to Apples, ate our favorite foods and began new rituals that may or may not become a family tradition over time. The lack of tension and chaos in our holiday was delightful. My ability to be authentic, laugh and play with my children was priceless. Change is always an option but it is not an option to change others. Nice to finally “get it.”
“Peace comes from within, don’t seek it without”- Buddha
Best wishes in the New Year to you and your family,
Brigitte Wangberg
January 2, 2010
 
“Your imagination is your preview of life’s coming attractions.”- Albert Einstein
I am inspired by individuals who create their “ideal” life and continue to adjoin more love and happiness to their life’s authentic splendor. Many individuals who lead the life of their dreams, credit the vision board process for their accomplishments, freedom and overall self-actualization. At first glance, a vision board may appear very similar to a child’s collage. However, vision boards are powerful tools, rich in meaning that embrace and display the creator’s dreams, goals, values, love, purpose and beliefs in each facet of life. Vision boards are a meaningful tool for new beginnings, life transitions, or moments of reflection and growth. If you want something and truly believe it is possible, you will get it.
Law of Attraction
“Find thoughts that feel good, because it is inevitable that you are going to always be moving toward something. So why not be moving toward something that is pleasing? You can’t cease to vibrate, and Law of Attraction it will not stop responding to the vibration that you are offering. So, expansion is inevitable. You provide it, whether you know you do, or not. The only question is what is the standard of joy that you are demanding for yourself? From your nonphysical perspective, it’s a high, high standard”. -Abraham Hicks
What is a vision board?
A vision board is an expression of your authentic dreams, a view of your ideal life, with no limitations. Your vision board includes every aspect of your life: career, family, relationships, free time, activities, space, geography, nutrition/exercise, travel, health, education, everything and anything that is important to you. This is your unique, creative and active form of expression. Upon the board, place your ultimate dreams as if there are no limitations. Thoughts, unconscious and conscious, significantly influence how you design and create your life. You have the power and the tools to get what you want.
Materials to create your vision board:
1. Large poster or cardboard, the display boards with flaps on the side are ideal to stand up and display.
2. Lots of magazines, photos, words, images.
3. Glue or adhesive.
4. Your authentic self and vision.
Vision board process:
1. Intuitive not intellectual: Spend time cutting pictures, words and so forth and place in one pile. Take only 2 seconds to decide if image “feels” right.” Do not have preconceived notions when you begin or during the process.
2. Be creative & authentic, this is your ‘ideal’ future
3. Think of 3-5 years ahead as a time frame for most vision boards.
4. Sit and “be present” with your pictures and decide which ones resonate with you. Begin making groups for the various areas of your life or decide to integrate, again this is your journey.
5. Complete your vision board; don’t wait for a “perfect” image. Give yourself a week to finish your board.
6. Be active with your vision board each day. It is imperative to place your vision board in a space where you will see it several or more times each day. When you look at your board, “feel” the live you are creating and begin experiencing your future that is evolving each moment. Spend time with your board and understand “that which is like unto yourself is drawn”.
Vision boards are a powerful tool. Transfer your authentic revelations, into a concrete visual as you begin your journey towards reaching your ultimate potential, fulfilling your desires and accomplishing your goals in every facet of your life.
“Thought fueled with love cannot miss their mark.”-Ananda
Best wishes for a peaceful and joyous New Year,
Brigitte Wangberg & My Life Instruction
December 9, 2009
 As I wrote about the topic of rituals yesterday, I am mindful that I spent the evening ruminating about my personal emptiness in this area. The holidays have been uncomfortable for me since my parent’s divorce when I was eight years old. This Thanksgiving brought some new feelings or perhaps old feelings to the plate. Upon reflection, I believe I have let my children down in the holiday arena. As a single mom, I often look towards my parents and family for establishing and planning holiday traditions. Upon doing so, I believe I am short changing my children. Alex and Bree spend equal time with their father and me, and I am not sure what rituals they have created with his extended family or within their home. This year, I have Alex and Bree on Thanksgiving, Bree’s birthday and Christmas. As a family of three, we do not have rituals or do not have expectations of these moments together. I believe I have made a mistake here. I have been waiting to be a part of a bigger family unit to create holiday traditions and rituals. On the other hand, my sister has Thanksgiving and Christmas with her husband and their two beautiful children. We are always invited as well. After these special days together, my biological sister and her family often travel to spend time with various combinations of our family. I on the other hand, have continued to look towards our parents, who are both in their third marriages, to establish rituals for my children’s holidays and desired to spend these moments with them. This approach has not worked and it is now time for change.
In this moment, I commit to developing traditions and rituals as a family of three. I will be mindful to allow for room to change as we grow and our family structure changes. I will be proactive in making a shift towards more meaningful holidays and traditions within our family unit. I will listen to Alex and Bree and ask for their ideas. For example, Bree has asked that we have hot chocolate for Christmas Eve and play some kind of game together. Bree most likely is searching for ways to establish routines or rituals so she knows what to expect each year and can look forward to these moments. Often, my children teach me lessons and I hope in these moments I am open to hear them speak, learn and grow with them.
December 8, 2009
 “We all bring issues, traditions and rituals from our families of origin. Couples must figure out what to keep and what to discard as they create a new union and blend their expectations.”-Kathy Heustess
Rituals strengthen connections. Rituals help people build more meaningful relationships. Rituals happen over and over. In a blending family, rituals may take years to develop while each member is adapting and learning what to expect. There are the holiday rituals, life transition rituals and daily rituals. Couples have their own rituals that develop over time including those when saying good night, leaving each other, eating, traveling, love-making, doing chores, apologizing and comforting. Some rituals may change over time, for example, when children grow up. Being too rigid in traditions, manners and holiday celebrations can do more harm than good. If you want to change a ritual, discuss it with your partner, children or those involved. The purpose of any ritual is to discover shared meaning, include all members in creating the foundation and meaning behind you rituals.
Examples of rituals in marriage: Consider how these works for you and your partner.
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What are your intimacy rituals? Who initiates sex? When and how do you have sex?
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Who apologizes first, who comforts the other?
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What are your patterns for phone calls or emails? Do you both call or does one wait for the other?
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Do you say, “I love you” and kiss good night at bedtime? What are your bedtime, morning and parting rituals?
When creating new rituals consider:
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Activities you enjoy, rituals around those?
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Before you met your partner, what rituals were important to you?
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What rituals create meaning for your relationship today?
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What rituals bring positive feelings to your life?
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What is important for your partner and why?
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What rituals do you want to create, maintain or change in your family?
December 5, 2009
“Keep your face in the sunshine and you can’t see the shadow.” –Helen Keller
There is a collective influence that one generation has on the next. Parents exhibit family traits and model family behaviors for children to repeat over the generations. Many of these patterns are beneficial while others are destructive. Unhelpful familial patterns repeat until someone understands that they have the ability to change the destructive cycle for their children and beyond. Ask yourself:
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Do you wonder what your life would be like if you had different parents?
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Do you wonder why this devastation happens in your family?
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Does your unsatisfactory relationship with your partner resemble your relationship with one or both of your parents?
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Have you repeated a family cycle of divorce, addiction, abuse, control or domestic violence?
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Do you question your own parenting skills based on your childhood?
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Do you want your children to have a different experience than you did, but expect the same?
“Your ability to parent successfully is related to your ability to give beyond yourself.”- R. Ackerman
Tips to break the cycle:
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Use your upbringing as an example of what you don’t want for yourself and your children. Knowing what you don’t want can lead to the path of self-discovery and what you do want.
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Find your authentic-self. Learn what you want and need. Become confident and willing to express your desires to others.
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Let go of your past. Practice forgiveness. Don’t carry the pain or devastation into the present.
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Take care of yourself. Practice mindfulness, discover your spirituality, make time for regular exercise, eat well and get proper rest. Learn to laugh and play. Seek support if needed.
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Enjoy the moment. Learn to taste, smell, feel and see the world in a fresh way. Include what you missed in your earlier life and savor each gift.
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Invite healthy role models. Surround yourself and your children with good energy and healthy relationships.
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Understand and set healthy boundaries.
In this moment, you have the potential to create the change.
Are you ready to shift the family paradigm?
Best,
Brigitte Wangberg
My Life Instruction
December 3, 2009
“The best way to behave is to misbehave.”- May West
Playfulness leads to happiness and success. We forget this reality far too often, or decide there are more “important” things to do. Think of the guilt attached to taking an afternoon off work or doing something spontaneous and thrilling. We have this all wrong!
Play is essential to reaching our highest levels of accomplishment; furthermore, people that play experience more success in all areas of life. There is significant evidence that shows a lack of play causes depression. Play is necessary and healthy for both children and adults. We can take risks through play that lead us to discover, learn and grow. Play allows us to be authentic and forget hang ups and “rules.”
- Play makes us feel alive and energized, so naturally we find ways to keep the enjoyment going. If something interferes with our play, we invent new rules or circumstances so the play doesn’t have to stop.
- Adults can learn how to play from children. Children teach adults how to let go, explore and pretend. Children love to see their parents laugh and be silly. By all means play in the rain puddles, make mud pies and recue worms! (more…)
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